Home Alone

prose funny

Chapter 1: The House

It was a dark and sunny night, families have since gone to bed, one couple was still at it pretty hard and you could hear it from the roof of one lonely house, that house wasn’t getting any tonight. It wasn’t getting anything but a VISITOR… of the Jewish kind. On the roof of that lonely house was a lonely man, a man who since his sweetheart’s leaving to a place down under had resorted to using his own hand to comfort himself, he patted himself on the back “It’s going to be OK” he said.

That man’s name was Michael Eden and he was surrounded by two average looking women and one and a half pies of pizza, one with peppers, onions, hot dogs and olives, and the other with just the onions and the dogs. More to the point three polka-dotted table clothes lay on the roof, two side by side, and the other on its side squaring out a rectangle, alone… Two bean-bags sat on these table clothes, with one being slightly off the cloth, this grated on Michael Eden’s sensibilities.

“I mean why did we get this stupid table cloth anyway if we’re just going to ignore it and put the bean bags on the dirty floors in the first place?” Michael Eden was also perturbed by the fact that he was the odd man out in a strange bean bag Mexican stand off, and it wasn’t just Mexican for the bean bags. Fully occupying the only two bean bags on this roof were one Kathleen Mudd, a (spoilers) lover of the VISITOR OF THE JEWISH KIND, and one Ilyana Ilieva, best described as a person with no critical bearing on the story.

No one spoke. The sound of chewing Pizza finally overwhelmed Kathleen Mudd, which indicated that it might rain tonight to which Michael Eden promptly responded with a pizza-muffled “Hmm”.

Chapter 2: A Big Bass Car

Suddenly everyone turned toward the entrance of the house, a Big Beautiful White Saturn car crept its way through the suburban streets, waking up everyone in its path, but on a lighter note drowning out the sound of the couple mentioned earlier. Its sound was a bass-ful of bass and the driver was being a complete bass turning up his bass so loud that his other fish were turning deaf.

There was a sudden ring, then another ring, then the doorbell rang again, then it rang a third time, then the sudden ring that was on Kathleen Mudd’s finger turned blue, for it was a mood ring. And blue either means she was afraid or hungry… and all of them had just ate!

Kathleen Mudd and Ilyana Ilieva look at Michael Eden for he is the sole protector of the house for that night, i.e. he is charged with the quest of answering the door. “Maybe Jonah’s here.” Kathleen Mudd said to comfort Michael Eden, but even this comfort was no match for the fear pounding at his heart, and that couple totally still pounding it in the kitchen.

“I’m ranked Sergeant on COD!” Michael Eden exclaimed after he had swung the door open. It was quiet on the other side. Nothing. There was no one. The couple had stopped. Quiet.

He turned right, nothing, he turned left, and he saw Jonah Aberle trying to hide behind one of the pillars of the house! He did not have the pillar figure so it was just awkward. What a bass. It was in only a few short trips to his car that we would transport his projector, projection screen, and laptop to the house, finally getting everything on the roof.

There was a few exchanging of peasantries as Jonah Aberle, still in his uniform from his afternoon sales job slowly nuzzled his way back into Kathleen Mudd’s heart, and onto her bean-bag. There were definitely doubts of good intentions over Jonah Aberle’s nuzzling. Awkward silence took its rightful reign over its company. Speaking of the weather!

“I think its about to rain, the local weather-woman said it will likely rain tonight” Kathleen Mudd ejaculated.

Chapter 3: More dialogue from Kathleen Mudd

“Ooo! I just felt a drop!” said Kathleen Mudd who will from now on be known as ‘the Falcon’ to save space. One fish. Two fish. Red fish. Blue fish. Except the fish were rain drops.

Then BAM!

As if God had finally managed to aim his urine into the stall, rain started to pour all over the neighborhood.

“Damnit my sun roof! My Carl be flooded!” Jonah Aberle, who will now be know as ‘the Slayer’, noted in passing. No one knew who Carl was, but quiet murmurs between the Falcon and Michael Eden began to question the Slayer’s sanity. After scrambling the bags and people through the such a small opening that was the house window, everyone felt as if they had been birthed, and reborn. And shortly after reconsidering their life decisions they naturally gathered in the living room, wet, cold, and surrounded by a line of windows which exposed the bleak outlook of the storm outside.

There was rain, thunder, and lightning. They felt stranded in a house with no exit, only a view of what was to come, a never-ending spiral of horror.

Chapter 4: Home Alone

Michael Eden who, will from now on be known as ‘the Creamer’, began to talk. He could see that his company was beginning to lose interest so he talked faster:

“Welcome to the game I like to call: Home Alone”

“It is a game that I had just dreamed up of a minute ago, but it must be played at night, this is why I only bring it up now, that and continuity.”

“The prize shall be Ghirardelli Cookies & Cream Chocolate Squares” The slayers mouth fell open. The creamer had control of it now.

“The rules are as follows:”

to be continued…




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